Aug 20, 2009

Why, Why, Why

Why, why, why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Application for Dating

 Application for dating...

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor. Name_______________________Date of Birth_____________________________ Height_____________Weight______________IQ____________GPA_____________ Social Security #___________________Driver's License #_______________ Boy Scout Rank and Badges____________________________________________ Home Address___________________City/State______________ZIP___________ Do you have parents? ____Yes_______No Is one male and the other female?______Yes________No If no, explain:______________________________________________________ Number of year they have been married________________________________ If less than your age, explain:______________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van?_____Yes_____No B. A truck with oversized tires?____Yes______No C. A waterbed?_____Yes_____No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?_____Yes______No E. A tattoo?_____Yes______No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue/cheek or belly button ring? _____Yes______No (IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend________________________ How often you attend_____________________ When would be the best time to interview your: Father?_____________ Mother?_____________ Pastor?_____________ SHORT ANSWER SECTION: A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:_______________ B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:_____________________ C. A woman's place is in the:_____________________________________________________ D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:________________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?_________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the first thing I always notice about her is:______________ G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?________________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENATLY OF DEATH AND DISMEMBERMENT. _________________________________________ (Applicant's Signature (that means you, moron!) _________________________________________ (Mother's and Father's Signatures) _________________________________________ (Pastor/Priest/Rabbi/State Representative's Signatures) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. To prepare yourself, start studying "Daddy's Rules for Dating." DADDY'S RULES FOR DATING

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daugher, I will remove them. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier Method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as longs as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date on one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirt, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka, zipped up to her throat. Movies with stong romantic themes or sexual themes are to be avoided but ones that feature chain saws are ok. Hockey games are ok, but old folks' homes are better. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull in the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Aug 19, 2009

Aug 17, 2009


Thoughts about beer - by 7 year old kids


A handful of 7 year old children were asked ‘What they thought of beer’. Some interesting responses, but the last one from Jack is especially touching.


‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.’ –Tim


‘Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ‘ –Melanie


‘My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’ –Grady


”My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’ –Toby


‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much. –Sarah


‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’ –Lilly


‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’ –Ethan


‘I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’ –Shirley


‘My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense, ’cause we don’t have a dog. –Jack


Call the land line! um please

I know that sounds like a shocking idea. But remember back in the day? Back before we had cell phones? Back when we had to write letters to each other in order to communicate? Then came phones with looooooongggg cords attached to walls. Handy for walking around the kitchen and doing dishes while chatting. Then came the intense novelty of answering machines. Actual machines. That you plugged into the wall. And then we finally got all high tech with digital voice mail and cell phones and 8 frajillion other ways to stay connected at all times.

But here's the cuckoo nutty thing: if I don't answer my cell when you call, and I don't call you back when you leave a message, and that happens for five or six days, don't you think PERHAPS, just perhaps, the problem might be that I've lost the damn thing? Or that the battery is dead and the charger is broken? Or that there is actually a reason I CAN'T get your message?

And  if you really wanted to talk to me, instead of leaving a dozen increasingly frustrated messages on my cell, you might try calling my actual home phone number. Because, honestly, there are days, weeks that I don't turn my cell phone on or remember to charge the stupid cell phone battery. But my home phone? It always works.

Okay now I got that off my chest! and now I feel better.

Aug 14, 2009

Come on People!!!!!

You are losing your rights as an American. A lot of Americans are ignorant and happy. I’m talking about the ignorant that voted for Omaba because it was cool, or didn’t vote, or don’t pay attention to politics and what it’s doing to their freedom, and then sit eating potato chips and playing with their Wii (your going to go blind doing that). I’m tired of pounding my head , so I will pound your head in hopes that you do something, such as:
  • Read the Constitution
  • Read a Bill
  • Call and Email your Reps and Senators 
  • Join a party
You were taught the Constitution and American history in such a dull, bland way (if taught it at all) that you do not recall any of it. That is what these libs want. They depend on you being so dumbed that you will fall for such a smooth talker.

Healthcare is one example Omaba talks about Healthcare it's NOT in our Constitution. I know the Libs want to shove this down our throats. Not that you care about the Constitution. I can hear you disbelievers now, “WHAT! Your nuts.

 Everyone has the right to healthcare.  The United States has the best healthcare in the world. People from around the world come to the United States to see our doctors. The problem with our healthcare is that the insurance doesn’t cover 10% of Americans. The healthcare bill will increase coverage to the American people by 4%. We want to spend all of this money for a measly 4%? Let’s not forget how well the government runs the post office, the DMV, the VA Hospitals, Medicare and Medicade, Social Security, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Government can’t run shit. They are having a hard time running themselves. Why would you trust them with your health.

What's happening to the First Amendment? Only Libs have freedom of speech. The First Amendment does not apply to anyone who opposes Obama. 

Go look it up for yourself and read what others are saying about this bill. You’ll find the American Citizen (who is getting beaten at town hall meetings) is more informed than your Senators and Reps.

We will lose our country if you don’t get off your Behind and learn something, and then do something about it!. You better start giving a shit NOW!

I am sick and tired of people who call people who are concern unpatriotic if they debate this administration’s policies.

 We are Americans and have the right to participate and debate any administration.

Just Wondering?

Everyone has heard a proverb or two. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. One man's trash is another man's treasure. But you know what? I have a problem with these proverbs. Why? I don't know who said them. I don't know the context. Maybe we're reading too much into them?

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?

What if the bird is carrying bird flu? What do you intend to do with this bird? do you know it doesn't have intestinal parasites? Do I have protective gloves on? What makes this bird so valuable in my hand? What kind of bush are these birds in? Wouldn't two birds in a rose bush be worth more than a bird in my hand? Who is appraising the value of these birds? What are his qualifications?

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones?

What kind of dummy lives in a glass house? What if he throws stones outside of the vicinity of his house? What if his house is made of bulletproof glass? Wouldn't someone who lives in a glass see-through house have more pressing issues to attend to? Like where am I going to change where people aren't going to see my you know what? If this person isn't allowed to throw stones does this preclude him from stabbing people instead? Does this person have insurance on his house? Does his insurance cover stone damage?

One man's trash is another man's treasure?

Who is this man who finds my treasure so appealing? Is he homeless? Is he really qualified to appraise the value of second hand items? Believe me, the milk i threw out today, that expired a weeks ago, is no one's treasure. Even if I threw a shoe with holes and a man started wearing it do you think he would call it "treasure?" No! He would say "Damn, I got a beat up shoe, it still sucks but it's better than nothing." That's not treasure. Treasure is gold coins. You find treasure where 'X' marks the spot. I learned that from pirates. Ha!

So I was just wondering and I'm also bored and can't sleep. What do you think? Do you have a Proverb that makes you think and wonder? Come on share it with me..

Blogging Nothing again

What's wrong with me? I can't think of anything interesting to say!

On my mind

I've been thinkng about the decisions we make and learning to live with them. It really got me thinking. Most of the major decisions in my life have been made because of other people and what they want or need  first.

Let’s take for example getting clean and going to rehab years ago. It wasn’t that I woke up one day and said, “Gee, I sure don’t like getting high anymore. I should get clean!” Far from it. I still loved it and felt I needed it and I really wanted it. But when I looked at my boys and Husband and  saw what it was doing to them, I knew I had to change things or they could be hurt, killed or left without a mother. For them, I decided it was time to make that life changing decision. And I was absolutely right in doing so, but the catalyst for getting there was not my own desire. It was my desire to make things right for others. And then for myself. (But trust me, in less than a matter of hours that focus changes quickly and you learn how to be in rehab for yourself and yourself only.)

I have always tried to be one of those people who does not live with regrets. You cannot change the past. You cannot undo things that have been done. There are no do-overs in life.

There are friendships I would have ended much sooner and some I never would have ended at all. There are jobs where I would have done everything differently. There are some “secrets” I would never have kept and some that I would never have shared. There are things I would never have said and things I would have said much sooner.

But to what end does any of that bring me? Every decision I have made, every friend I have had or lost, every opportunity I have grasped or let pass me by have brought me where I am today.

 No matter how much I wonder about (and I do wonder about stuff), taking a different path, making a different decision, choosing a different way of handling things, I cannot go back and do anything–not one thing–differently. And so I live with where I am, who I am and all of the good and bad, whole and broken, happy and sad wrapped into this person I am today. But some days…some days I let myself wonder. What if…

in the end it is all about love. Having it. Keeping it. Sharing it. I have had a wonderful life of love. I have great friends in my life that make me laugh. I have children who amaze me every day. I have a husband I have been with for  30 years. Every decision we make brings change. If you are blessed and have a bit of luck on your side, through those changes, love remains the same.

And you can push forward.

I crave

From time to time I get restless. I get very reflective. I get ansty. I am moody. Basically, I am coming out of my skin. I crave. that is the best way to say it. I crave. I crave something different. I crave what I knew. I crave change. My mind just flies into different directions that I just deal with it rather than try to understand. I crave. Something.

Aug 13, 2009

Because I have nothing better to DO!

Yes... I'm actually posting. Don't get too excited... this will probably won't last very long before I go back to Hibernation until my next post! 

I've been getting E-mails from some readers wanting to know what the daily mugshot pictures are all about.  So in response to those E-mails I'm posting, Yay!

I’ve been taking my Daily Mugshot for a few weeks now; I just took my 23th mugshot. I’m not doing this to share my ugly mug with the world, rather to chronicle how many diffrent looks I have throughtout a period of time. I’m not sure if this little experiment is rooted in science or vanity, but at a few seconds a day, I think it’s worth my time.

Daily Mugshot is set up so that you take one picture of only your face everyday. There’s no real point to this other than killing a few seconds of your day, but once you’ve taken your picture for several weeks, months, you can view your video that shows you every picture in the order you took them. You can see your transition from the before to the present. Pretty cool huh!

As much fun as it is to see how your face changes over time taking the picture is no easy task.

My first problem is that my serious picture face is extremely mean and bitchy-looking. and I don’t want to look like a crazed middle age woman when I take these pictures, but unless I smile, I look like I’m in a serious state of mind. I try to remember what a  friend of mine once told me, “Make your serious face and then think you’re an angel and think angelic thoughts.” Yea, right! That’s why she’s the model and I’m not, haha. I think “angelic” thoughts and I still look like I'm lost somewhere. I try to smirk, but then my face looks crooked.

The smirk isn’t all that easy to pull off either because I have such a big smile. I try to pull the typical Myspace-pout-your-lips-to-look-sexy look, but have no luck, I just look silly and makes me look like I ate a sour lemon. so I just show off my new pearly white teeth and smile!

I try to look non-chalant when taking the shot and the result is a mid-aged wanna be model,  Nevertheless, it’s fun and I continue to take my daily pictures. So go ahead and laugh but I know you want to try it too 

Aug 1, 2009

Ode to a fart

What is a fart?

A fart it is a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud

that stay for a while.

A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song....

A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent , and deadly.

A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces.  

But farts are all bad, Is simply not true- I'll never forget.... an old fart like you!


Women can never have enough shoes. Why it isn't enough for women to own just two or three pairs of shoes. Everytime I see something cute and fits me well. I can't just get out of the store without buying it.

Why are we are always tempted to buy stuff and why isn't there a satisfaction. We just love to collect them and believe me most of those shoes we have maybe worn once or twice. No idea why,but all I know is that women can never have enough shoes.